Sunday, April 12, 2015


In the following, I have ranked all 30 MLB teams onf how much I personally liked them as of April, 11 21 2015. These are the definitive rankings.

Without further ado:



The team that uses "Chief Wahoo" on their uniforms. Their fans boo JIM THOME--who has the most Indian home runs of all time, in addition to being the coolest ever, one of the greatest Indians of all time, and one of the greatest MLB players period of all time. So congratulations, Indians fans, you and your racist-ass have achieved WORST MLB TEAM on my personal ranking.

(Bob Feller is completely excluded from any of this. Bob Feller ruled. Objectively. Not up to debate with anyone. Period.)


The number of African-American players who have played for this team and expressed racist treatment by fans is troubling. The only reason the Cubs aren't last is because they haven't won a World Series in 105+ years, and that is actual hysterical.



 I am so apathetic about this team I have listed it lower than teams I dislike.

I hate Josh Hamilton. He compared himself to Jesus because Twins fans heckled him. Now, the Angels have treated him so bad I think I hate the Angels more? That's how messed up this organization is.

If this team didn't have Mike Trout, they would be so SOL (even more) on my list. Trout is really cool. He was really responsive to fans when he was out in left field at Target Field.


Mostly because of how crappy the majority of the fans are. They gloat even worse than Yankees fans did 10 years ago, and they don't even have the history to back it up. 


Best fans in baseball.


They play inside an "ugly" dome. Domes suck.... Who would ever get emotional over a dome? A DOME? Excuse me.


I still just love that they gave A-Rod that contract back in the day.


 Biggio! Bagwell! Clemens! Fun team. Plus:


 The fact they made a secret nod to Pete Rose in the stadium is cool. Otherwise, mostly apathy towards them.


Love Wilson Ramos and Denard Span. This has been a good team. I'm mostly apathetic about this team too, sorry.


Obviously, this team has had Michael Cuddyer, (more importantly now) Justin Morneau, and LaTroy Hawkins. While I love all those guys, there's not much else going on here.


Got some relatives out there. And it's hot. Nice stadium.


Watching the Pirates in the playoffs 2013 was freaking awesome. And Justin Morneau. Not to mention, how about that ballpark?


      Be happy you made it this far, Giants, since a lot of it had to do with me having to re-number everyone after you because I completely blocked out any memory of your awful team. Also, the only reason you made it this far at all is because of the greatness of Barry Bonds.


I'm not even sure why I've always kinda liked the Padres. Tony Gwynn? Maybe. Also: shout out to my Padres' friend Joe who I think is awesome.


Good team. Never go wrong with the uniforms. Cal Ripekn Jr. Awesome stadium. I dunno, just always liked them



Despite the Tigers-Twins couple rivalries in the past decade, I never disliked this team. I'm not sure how long my sympathy for the 2003 Tigers team will run, but there is still a bit of it there to this day.


"Touch them all Joe! You'll never hit a bigger home run in your life!" This just kills me.


I came to admire and love this team in the 00's, much due to Ozzie Gullien's colorfulness and the great rivalry between my favorite team and them. I've met some great White Sox fans too, and we've had a ball at Twins games. I feel like this team is a "brother" to the Twins more than any other.


I have no real connection to this team, but have always admired them for their "Moneyball" ways. The A's and the Twins were both playoff competitors much of the earlier parts of the 00's decade, and both had small payrolls. They proved the others wrong, like I felt we did.

But remember--the Twins beat "Moneyball".


Many Twins fans, and others, hate the Yankees. Some might be surprised at this placement. Frankly, I'm a baseball fan, and I would be an idiot to ignore the history of this team and the role it has played in baseball.

Furthermore, why to people even despise the Yankees so much? Because they spend a lot of money? They are smart and have used their market as an advantage and have companies that make a ton of money (unlike the Mets). They would be dumb not to use their market and financial opportunities.

 The Yankees have one of the richest and strongest histories in all of  baseball. Babe Ruth? Lou Gehrig? Ignore that if it makes you feel better about yourself, I guess. As someone who hated the Yankees, but came around to thinking they're okay, I can yell you one thing: hating the Yankees is just wasting your god damn breath and life in general.

And if you just want to complain about annoying Yankees fans, um, have you seen Red Sox fans anytime in the past 10 years?


This ranking of the Phillies is almost entirely due to how awesome Phillies fans are. Oh, you don't agree? *Reaches for spare D Batteries*


I've often said I considered the Mets an older cousin of the Twins. The Mets were made to replace the loss of the Dodgers (Blue) and Giants (Orange) to New York City National League. The Twins replaced the Twin Cities minor league teams: Minneapolis Millers (formerly a Giants farm team) and the St. Paul Saints (formerly a Dodgers farm team).

Also: "Can't Anyone Here Play This Game?" is my favorite baseball book ever,


Two of my top three ever players were Mariners. So they should go here. 

P.S. Junior + Ichiro forever

P.S.S. And A-Rod.


Vin Scully.


What a lovely little low-budget team that can win two World Series-es out of nowhere? Family connections to this team, I love them. The Dinger Machine is also probably the greatest ballpark feature of all time. Don't agree? I will fight you. Literally. Come to Liquor Lyle's and tweet me.


I was born July of 1985. My aunt, as long as I will always remember, wore a Kansas City World Series pennant around her neck. Her husband got a ring for scouting, she got the necklace. I will always love this team until the day I die.


Baseball has eternal hope. I want to see the Twins win the World Series again, but if I don't, that's okay. I'm so lucky, I've seen it twice, and even better, as a small child who could never imagine anything else. Can you watch Hrbek's Grand Slam or Kirby's Home Run without crying? Because I can't. I mean, crap. I think I'm gonna start crying right now...

Sunday, March 1, 2015

All Ten Original Star Trek and TNG Movies Ranked

This has nothing to do with baseball. Sorry. I just watched 10 Star Trek movies in 48 hours, and I have to share my observations.

10. Star Trek 1 -- Sucks. I hated it. I watched it drunk and didn't even like it.

9. Star Trek (10) Nemesis --All of the concepts in this movie could have been used to make a great movie. But the exact opposite happened.

8. Star Trek (8): First Contact -- The borg make me piss my pants on the fright scale; and the Earth scientist guy is interesting. It's eh, but gets the job done.

7. Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier -- The best part of this movie is the birth of the line: "What does God need with a starship?" Has intriguing parts, but tons of wasted time.

6. Star Trek (9): Insurrection -- I have this rated here for some reason,

5. Star Trek 3: Search for Spock -- This movie that's really just dedicated to bring Spock back to life is pretty cheesy, but did a really good job reaching that end goal. Christopher Lloyd as a Klingon is also a good move.

 Star Trek (7): Generations -- Seeing the captains together. Enjoyable for Star Trek fans, but probably not others.

3. Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country -- KIRK AND BONES GET SENT TO THE ARCTIC KLINGON GULAG!! But seriously this was one of the best movies. Good, unique plot.

2. Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home (aka "The one with the whales!") -- This is definitely the funniest Star Trek movie ever. The actual premise of the movie is that an alien probe is destroying earth looking for (now extinct) whales, so the Enterprise crew has to take their stolen bird of prey back to the 1980s and kidnap some whales. . Especially since I was like 9 the last time I saw this, the joke about Chekov (with his heavy Russian accent) asking mid-80s Americas where "da nuclear wessles!" were went completely over my head and cracked me the hell up. Also, when Spock jumps in the whale tank to mind-meld with the whales.

1. Star Trek 2: Wrath of Kahn -- This is a perfect movie of its era. This is a perfect sci-fi movie. It even still holds up now. The line-graph plot of this movie is incredible. I was completely sobbing by the end. This wasn't just a good Star Trek movie, or just a good sci-fi movie; this is a good movie.

Do you agree?

Friday, February 20, 2015

MLB and their Baseball Pace of Play rules can GO TO HELL!!!

MLB has apparently come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with baseball's pace of play. American football—the most popular sport in America (and also the slowest sport in America)—is just SO FAST that baseball pales in comparison.

In view of these facts, what has MLB been doing? Trying to make baseball more like football.

Baseball has added instant replays, complete with a "challenge" system like the NFL. They are now trying to add and enforce more rules to take more of the moments of tension that make baseball what it is out of the game.

MLB bigwigs are completely out of touch with the very product they are in charge over.

Why isn't MLB trying to market baseball in the other direction? Marketing the unique aspects of what makes baseball baseball and that make it better than football? Why is MLB trying to market baseball by just making it more like the NFL?

Guess what, MLB: if you try to market baseball by making it more like football, you will always be chasing the NFL. A lot of the supposed weaknesses of baseball are, in fact, its greatest strengths. Seriously. Come on.

This isn't rocket science.

This is an epic marketing failure.

Saturday, November 15, 2014


Hi gang. Long time no write--I know. But this is important.

I have to stay up (wake up?) for this baseball game.

As you may or may not know, a MLB "All-Stars" team (heh, it includes Drew Butera) is in Japan playing against a combined NPB All-Star team (Go Carp!). They played an exhibition game and will play a 7-game series... of exhibition games. The problem, however, is that these games are played at 3:00 AM central time, and I am usually "asleep" around then. So far, I have only caught Kenta Maeda's start in the first "real" game of the series, which I guess would be my one pick of things to see (Go Carp!), but still.

What gets me is that three of the games are being played in the Tokyo Dome, a.k.a. the last (?) surviving replica of my favorite place on earth.

And I've already slept through two of the three games. Including one in which JUSTIN MORNEAU HIT A HOME RUN.

I hate myself.

So, for tonight (tomorrow morning?), I have an alarm set for 2:45 am. I need to see Justin Morneau in the Tokyo Dome. I cannot let go of the past. I'm not ready. Help.

P.S. - Go Carp!


I didn't wake up for the game. Justin Morneau hit a three run home run.

I hate my life.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Biogensis News Reports in Google Translated Japanese

Because I just can't get enough of the Biogensis suspensions handed out yesterday (and have entirely too much free time), I decided to read what the reporters are saying in Japan. Because I don't know Japanese, I used Google Translate.

NHK--the Japanese news stalwart--gives a nice overview of what happened:

12 people of the 50 game suspension
Was announced Major League Organization has accepted the suspension disposal of 50 match is the twelfth person following. 
Currently, five players are registered in the MLS. 
Nelson Cruz Rangers players, Johnny Peralta Tigers players, Antonio Bastard Phillies pitcher, Evers-Kaburera players Padres, is Francisco Seruberi Yankees. 
Six players to play in the minor leagues. 
Joe Danny Valdes pin Mets players, Cesar Puero Mets players, fouling Tino Derosusantosu Padres pitcher, Hesusu-Montero Mariners players, Fernando Martinez Yankees, is Sergio Esukarona Astros pitcher as well. 
It is now Jordan Norbert pitcher free agent addition.

I love how the Western names are phonetically translated. Too bad the translation can't pick up on nuances like "Jhonny". Japan is missing out on some jokes.

The next article I translated was apparently an opinion piece from the Japanese sports site JSports:

Dissonance = A-Rod of the Yankees
It is a comment which is not clothed in the tooth. The latter is also the former also is clearly directed against A • rod that is a challenge to the suspension disposal. Can I say that without the case, the U.S. media and are concentrated attack him. It's because such superstar best ever annual salary he is, why he is not supportive of media regularly also do not's included. For example, veteran reporter of the association, told me this way on condition that the sink one's name. "Fame Brown cooperative in coverage's fall to the ground in the drug uproar It's very unfortunate. However, where A-Rod has become suspended permanently, I do not think sorry at all" to coverage The players not cooperative, sympathy is not gather much. Reporters feel bad for (former Cardinals) Mark McGwire was a fresh start to recognize the mistakes obediently many cases, reporters have compassion for (former Giants) Barry Bonds underlie no comment woman with a fearless laugh off and very are. Reporters have to feel sorry for Brown in the same way, reporters think sorry for A-Rod that you suspect while acknowledging the mistake, was using drugs again equal to nil once.

Really, really wondering what the Barry Bonds comment means. 

Japanese sports website Sanspo, as it usually does, includes important quotes from each involved party at the end of its piece:

Story of Yankees Rodriguez
"(for drug use). you want to prove that I'm glad to be worn again uniform. you can play at a high level you want to talk time to talk when he comes" 
Story of Yankees Girardito use
"(Rodriguez) because ready. it is the hope that it will be innocence, but do not know what arbitrage or down. think first what to do use the 25 people in the club house . I also use the designated hitter in the future " 
Story of Selig Commissioner
"will protect integrity of. baseball thorough inspection of the drug, the study to the problem, fairness, its position in the future" 
Weiner story of the Major League Players Association executive director, 
"I do not think. mechanism that respects the will to fight disposal of Rodriguez and made a proper investigation in line with the provisions"

Nikkan Sports come through with the Japanese angle:

Ichiro and "do not know" A rod drug problem
 Yankees of Ichiro outfielder (39), has puzzled drug problem colleague Alex Rodriguez infielder (38). Expected to suspension disposal is official announcement from MLB 5 days today, A • rod of the vortex merging plans in Chicago expedition earlier with returns from the disabled list. It is a turn of affairs is likely to develop into a big scandal en masse media is surging from the National, but Ichiro seemed not come and pin labeled "Do you feel that so such? tabloid show like".
 Sense of reality was thin with regard drug problem. Said, "~, something about me and than say. Alex (in the U.S. media) was asked yesterday for the first time, was that about medications No, but is not presented in the way so much," and for medicine for "I He said with a perplexed expression even have heard. story you do not know well knowledge is too lack, do not know whether true. to be "it because too much is just too far.

I gather Ichiro said he didn't know about A-Rod's drug use, and then something really wise but I have no idea what.

Anyway, I could go down this rabbit hole for hours, but I won't. Instead I will leave you with this strangely poetic Google-Translated quote about the Yankees 2013 season:

It said the disabled etc. if only this one after another, the Yankees faced a number of star players, not totally vestiges of galaxy groups, sober lineup are lined up in the lineup

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Marlins Dinger Machine Alarm Clock: I Need This

Two World Baseball Classic games were played at Marlins Stadium yesterday, which inevitably brought up the subject of the greatest thing the Marlins franchise has ever given baseball.

The Dinger Machine.

Look at this monstrosity. Can you even remember your first thoughts upon seeing this thing? I can't, because they weren't even intelligible words.

So of course, fartin' around on Twitter during the Italy versus Dominican Republic game, the machine came up.

And I did, yesterday, send an e-mail to the Marlins (Note: You can contact any team by going to their website, scrolling to the bottom, and clicking "CONTACT US". I've contacted various teams for various [always important] reasons via this method).

I was wondering if a mini-replica of the Dinger Machine (featuring the fish and things in right field [sic]) that functioned as an alarm clock was available or would be available in the future.  
M**** *****
612*** ****
*****. *****

And just a day later, I got this reply:

Hello M****,

Thank you for writing. We do not have a mini-replica of our Home Run Feature in centerfield but it is a good idea. I will pass on your email to our Marketing Department.
John-Albert Rodriguez
Manager, Season Ticket Services
Miami Marlins, L.P.
Office: 305-***-****  


I wanted to write back and suggest the clock also spray water a la the real thing, but I was afraid the Marlins worker would start to think I was not absolutely serious about my need for one of these alarm clocks. If we can make baby dolls that poop, I don't see why we can't make a little refillable reservoir of water in a Dinger Machine alarm clock that spins and sprays water at whatever time you need to wake up.

If you would be interested in a Dinger Machine Alarm Clock, please go to the Miami Marlins Contact Us site and contact them about it. (Remember to tell them about the spraying water thing!)

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Finding What I Lost

I was living in Manhattan when Kirby Puckett died on March 6, 2006. And I remember the first time I ran into a Minnesotan after that. It was obvious--to both of us.

"Oh Kirby! People don't understand..."

I was born and raised in Minneapolis in 1985. The Twins winning the World Series in '87 and '91--and more importantly, Kirby Puckett--comprise many of the first and favorite memories. Kirby Puckett was beloved as he is by Minnesotans long before 1991. That's part of what made his performance so special.

I can specifically remember running to my Dad's dressing room the morning after game 6. I remember my Dad telling me, excitedly, while he tied his tie and such, what Kirby Puckett had done. He told me if the Twins won the World Series that night, he would buy us hats. And he did.

Seven years ago I sat down at my computer in my little shared studio in soho Manhattan. It was a Sunday. I saw a news headline for "Baseball HOFer Suffers Massive Stroke". I was curious. I clicked. I felt like I got socked in the stomach.

I wore my baby-blue Kirby Puckett jersey (the most expensive piece of clothing I owned at the time) to school and work Monday. Kirby was taken off life support Monday night. So of course I never took the jersey off.

Kirby's passing was a front page headline by Tuesday. Took a whole subway sized NY Post cover. I remember walking into work that morning, after seeing the NY Post newspapers on the subway, and my loud-mouth supervisor asking, "Hey! Did you just buy that jersey because he died?"

This was 8:30 am in the morning. In the middle of Manhattan. In 2006. And I was wearing a Hall of Fame replica Minnesota Twins Kirby Puckett jersey--that had been wearing for two days.

I kind of stood there and stared at her for a moment. Then I replied.

"No. Kirby Puckett was my hero."

Rest in Peace
Kirby Puckett

Please add your own thoughts and memories of KIRBBBBBBBBBBBBBYY PUCKETT!!