Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Biogensis News Reports in Google Translated Japanese

Because I just can't get enough of the Biogensis suspensions handed out yesterday (and have entirely too much free time), I decided to read what the reporters are saying in Japan. Because I don't know Japanese, I used Google Translate.

NHK--the Japanese news stalwart--gives a nice overview of what happened:

12 people of the 50 game suspension
Was announced Major League Organization has accepted the suspension disposal of 50 match is the twelfth person following. 
Currently, five players are registered in the MLS. 
Nelson Cruz Rangers players, Johnny Peralta Tigers players, Antonio Bastard Phillies pitcher, Evers-Kaburera players Padres, is Francisco Seruberi Yankees. 
Six players to play in the minor leagues. 
Joe Danny Valdes pin Mets players, Cesar Puero Mets players, fouling Tino Derosusantosu Padres pitcher, Hesusu-Montero Mariners players, Fernando Martinez Yankees, is Sergio Esukarona Astros pitcher as well. 
It is now Jordan Norbert pitcher free agent addition.

I love how the Western names are phonetically translated. Too bad the translation can't pick up on nuances like "Jhonny". Japan is missing out on some jokes.

The next article I translated was apparently an opinion piece from the Japanese sports site JSports:

Dissonance = A-Rod of the Yankees
It is a comment which is not clothed in the tooth. The latter is also the former also is clearly directed against A • rod that is a challenge to the suspension disposal. Can I say that without the case, the U.S. media and are concentrated attack him. It's because such superstar best ever annual salary he is, why he is not supportive of media regularly also do not's included. For example, veteran reporter of the association, told me this way on condition that the sink one's name. "Fame Brown cooperative in coverage's fall to the ground in the drug uproar It's very unfortunate. However, where A-Rod has become suspended permanently, I do not think sorry at all" to coverage The players not cooperative, sympathy is not gather much. Reporters feel bad for (former Cardinals) Mark McGwire was a fresh start to recognize the mistakes obediently many cases, reporters have compassion for (former Giants) Barry Bonds underlie no comment woman with a fearless laugh off and very are. Reporters have to feel sorry for Brown in the same way, reporters think sorry for A-Rod that you suspect while acknowledging the mistake, was using drugs again equal to nil once.

Really, really wondering what the Barry Bonds comment means. 

Japanese sports website Sanspo, as it usually does, includes important quotes from each involved party at the end of its piece:

Story of Yankees Rodriguez
"(for drug use). you want to prove that I'm glad to be worn again uniform. you can play at a high level you want to talk time to talk when he comes" 
Story of Yankees Girardito use
"(Rodriguez) because ready. it is the hope that it will be innocence, but do not know what arbitrage or down. think first what to do use the 25 people in the club house . I also use the designated hitter in the future " 
Story of Selig Commissioner
"will protect integrity of. baseball thorough inspection of the drug, the study to the problem, fairness, its position in the future" 
Weiner story of the Major League Players Association executive director, 
"I do not think. mechanism that respects the will to fight disposal of Rodriguez and made a proper investigation in line with the provisions"

Nikkan Sports come through with the Japanese angle:

Ichiro and "do not know" A rod drug problem
 Yankees of Ichiro outfielder (39), has puzzled drug problem colleague Alex Rodriguez infielder (38). Expected to suspension disposal is official announcement from MLB 5 days today, A • rod of the vortex merging plans in Chicago expedition earlier with returns from the disabled list. It is a turn of affairs is likely to develop into a big scandal en masse media is surging from the National, but Ichiro seemed not come and pin labeled "Do you feel that so such? tabloid show like".
 Sense of reality was thin with regard drug problem. Said, "~, something about me and than say. Alex (in the U.S. media) was asked yesterday for the first time, was that about medications No, but is not presented in the way so much," and for medicine for "I He said with a perplexed expression even have heard. story you do not know well knowledge is too lack, do not know whether true. to be "it because too much is just too far.

I gather Ichiro said he didn't know about A-Rod's drug use, and then something really wise but I have no idea what.

Anyway, I could go down this rabbit hole for hours, but I won't. Instead I will leave you with this strangely poetic Google-Translated quote about the Yankees 2013 season:

It said the disabled etc. if only this one after another, the Yankees faced a number of star players, not totally vestiges of galaxy groups, sober lineup are lined up in the lineup

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Marlins Dinger Machine Alarm Clock: I Need This

Two World Baseball Classic games were played at Marlins Stadium yesterday, which inevitably brought up the subject of the greatest thing the Marlins franchise has ever given baseball.

The Dinger Machine.

Look at this monstrosity. Can you even remember your first thoughts upon seeing this thing? I can't, because they weren't even intelligible words.

So of course, fartin' around on Twitter during the Italy versus Dominican Republic game, the machine came up.

And I did, yesterday, send an e-mail to the Marlins (Note: You can contact any team by going to their website, scrolling to the bottom, and clicking "CONTACT US". I've contacted various teams for various [always important] reasons via this method).

I was wondering if a mini-replica of the Dinger Machine (featuring the fish and things in right field [sic]) that functioned as an alarm clock was available or would be available in the future.  
M**** *****
612*** ****
*****. *****@gmail.com

And just a day later, I got this reply:

Hello M****,

Thank you for writing. We do not have a mini-replica of our Home Run Feature in centerfield but it is a good idea. I will pass on your email to our Marketing Department.
John-Albert Rodriguez
Manager, Season Ticket Services
Miami Marlins, L.P.
Office: 305-***-****  


I wanted to write back and suggest the clock also spray water a la the real thing, but I was afraid the Marlins worker would start to think I was not absolutely serious about my need for one of these alarm clocks. If we can make baby dolls that poop, I don't see why we can't make a little refillable reservoir of water in a Dinger Machine alarm clock that spins and sprays water at whatever time you need to wake up.

If you would be interested in a Dinger Machine Alarm Clock, please go to the Miami Marlins Contact Us site and contact them about it. (Remember to tell them about the spraying water thing!)

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Finding What I Lost

I was living in Manhattan when Kirby Puckett died on March 6, 2006. And I remember the first time I ran into a Minnesotan after that. It was obvious--to both of us.

"Oh Kirby! People don't understand..."

I was born and raised in Minneapolis in 1985. The Twins winning the World Series in '87 and '91--and more importantly, Kirby Puckett--comprise many of the first and favorite memories. Kirby Puckett was beloved as he is by Minnesotans long before 1991. That's part of what made his performance so special.

I can specifically remember running to my Dad's dressing room the morning after game 6. I remember my Dad telling me, excitedly, while he tied his tie and such, what Kirby Puckett had done. He told me if the Twins won the World Series that night, he would buy us hats. And he did.

Seven years ago I sat down at my computer in my little shared studio in soho Manhattan. It was a Sunday. I saw a CNN.com news headline for "Baseball HOFer Suffers Massive Stroke". I was curious. I clicked. I felt like I got socked in the stomach.

I wore my baby-blue Kirby Puckett jersey (the most expensive piece of clothing I owned at the time) to school and work Monday. Kirby was taken off life support Monday night. So of course I never took the jersey off.

Kirby's passing was a front page headline by Tuesday. Took a whole subway sized NY Post cover. I remember walking into work that morning, after seeing the NY Post newspapers on the subway, and my loud-mouth supervisor asking, "Hey! Did you just buy that jersey because he died?"

This was 8:30 am in the morning. In the middle of Manhattan. In 2006. And I was wearing a Hall of Fame replica Minnesota Twins Kirby Puckett jersey--that had been wearing for two days.

I kind of stood there and stared at her for a moment. Then I replied.

"No. Kirby Puckett was my hero."

Rest in Peace
Kirby Puckett

Please add your own thoughts and memories of KIRBBBBBBBBBBBBBYY PUCKETT!!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


You may have noticed I haven't been posting here as much this year, for which apologize.

However, I do post at Twinkie Town at least a couple times a week. So if you really miss me, I suggest checking Twinkie Town out (especially because of the other super talented writers there). I do plan to keep posting here periodically, but my writing will be more spread out between here and Twinkie Town.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

2012 Twins Opening Home-Stand: How About That Josh Willingham?

The Twins have completed their first home-stand of the season, winning 2 out of 6, and ultimately leaving them 2 for 9 on the season total. Accordingly, hence, we can say the Twins suckexcept for Josh Willingham.

JOSH WILLINGHAM. Josh Willingham has quickly catapulted himself to the front of my "Favorite Current Twins List." He's already hit FOUR HOMERUNSFOURnot to mention, three AT Target Field (eat it Cuddy [omg jk we luv u]). He's been, by far, the biggest offensive stand-out thus far for the Twins.

Which is funnybecause you know how I used to sit often on the first baseline? Yeahnow I sit in left field. And I love it! I love left field! Like last Thursday, when Josh hit a homerun right into the flowers in front of me and I watched all these older guys dog-pile in front of me for the ball, but then I was the one on sports center for some reason. We did a number to those flowers.

I was told by the guy who eventually found the ball that it was about 6 inches in the bowl−hence the dig.

(Me, upper right-hand corner, officiating all this or something)

Today (Sunday−Jackie Robinson Day) was also pretty cool when I noticed Josh Willingham had ripped a huge hole in his pants.


Home-Stand Food

One of my favorite parts of getting back to the ballpark is ballpark food (because I'm kinda a fatty, represent!). Out of the new food items presented this year, the Buffalo Chicken Mac 'n' Cheese seemed to be the most anticipated. It was for me! So here's my official review:

The Buffalo Chicken Mac 'n' Cheese is good, but EXTREMELY overpriced. Imagine paying $10 for a bowl of easy mac with extra topings. Ok? This tiny bowl of Mac 'n' Cheese is $10.75.

Not worth it.

Other New Additions to Target Field

I haven't been all around the ball park, but what I've noticed is new:
  • A bronze statue of Kent Hrbek has been added outside Gate 14 (No, it does not include Ron Gant, as many multiple 'jokesters' on Twitter asked).
  • The lime stone engraving of "Target Field" behind home plate has been moved slightly towards left field (thank god, right?)
  • There is NOOO SMOKING AT TARGET FIELD. For reals now. There is not even a smoking section by Gate 6. No smoking. None. NOOOOOOO Smoking. (Rest in Peace Bob Casey).
  • Best Additions: A picture of a cancer ribbon hugging the state of Minnesota in right field, along with a large ad for "StandUp2Cancer"Harmon Killebrew's favorite charityin the right field second deck.

  • LIVE MASCOT RACE: Remember the between-innings video race on the jumbotron amongst the blue ox, loon, mosquito, Target Dog, and fish? Yeah−now they have mascot costumes for all and do a live race. It's awesome. I will probably grow tired of it after awhile, but I know yesterday I laughed my ass off every time the Target Dog fell on its face (because it happened like five times).

Public Service Announcement  


Saturday, November 5, 2011

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

It’s that time of year. You know what I’m talking about. That time when you find yourself watching reruns of Seinfeld you’ve seen a million times. When the days get shorter, and you have no idea what to do at 7:00 PM. You find the sports section of the newspaper sitting around somewhere, flip through it in a few seconds, and toss it aside. Then, one day, all of a sudden, you wake up and you’re watching a Vikings game, and that’s when you realize you’ve hit rock bottom.

It’s Seasonal Affective Disorder—and you’re not alone.

I, like so many of you, am attempting to combat this crippling disease. So today, I would like to share some of the things that have helped me through these dark times.

1. Buy “Ken Burns: Baseball”

You need to do this. Even if you aren’t suffering from SAD. “Ken Burns’s ‘Baseball’” is the greatest thing in the world, except for, um, baseball. And cheese curds. It’s 23 and ½ hours—11 full-length DVDs—of pure baseball glory. It chronicles all of the most important events in baseball history (except the 1991 World Series), and it will make anyone who watches it love baseball. It’s the most watched program on PBS—EVER. The Third Inning (all the DVDs are named after innings) is all about how ridiculous Babe Ruth was. And by ridiculous I mean drunk.


2. Buy the 1991 World Series on DVDs.

Last summer, some company selling the Twins 1991 World Series DVDs sponsored contests by Twins Blogs to give away 1991 World Series DVDs for free. Apparently, my blog did not have the clout to take part. HOWEVER, after entering every contest on all of my fellow Twins’ bloggers blogs, I BAGGED MYSELF SOME 1991 WORLD SERIES DVDS! WOOT WOOT! (Shout out to the awesome BAT SHATTERERS!)

The DVDs are awesome. You get to see all the crowd shots and special segments from the ‘80s (oh wait—‘90s! My bad). The 1991 graphics, by themselves, are worth the money. You can switch the audio from the TV broadcast to the radio broadcast (“TOUCH ‘EM ALL KIRBY PUCKETT! TOUCH ‘EM ALL KIRBY PUCKETT!”). You can watch Kent Hrbek pull Ron Gant off the bag, then rewind and watch Ron Gant’s momentum pull Kent Hrbek off the bag, then rewind again and… seriously what the f*** happened there?

3. Learn about Japanese Baseball

Japanese baseball is really cool. You watch it and it’s like you’ve entered some bizarre-o world where people eat breakfast at night and dinner in the morning. Which you then realize is super awesome. And you get to see stuff like this:


Unlike the USA, professional baseball is the most popular professional sport in Japan. Really—Japan loves the American pastime more than Americans! That might be why they’ve won every World Baseball Classic ever held.

But just remember—the Hiroshima Toyo Carp are the best.

4. Read Books About Baseball

I recently got around to reading “Moneyball”. Eh, it was okay. But the best part was that I really actually felt baseball was alive again. ALIVE. This is important when combating SAD.

Some good baseball books I recommend:
- “Can’t Anyone Here Play This Game?” by Jimmy Breslin
- “Past Time” by Julies Tygiel
- “Moneyball” by Michael Lewis
- “Eight Men Out” by Eliot Asinof (how “alive” this book makes you feel about baseball is to be debated)

Have you read any other good baseball books? Please comment!

5. Hockey!


6. Go to Law School/Med School

I actually don’t necessarily recommend this route—but it’s pretty good as far as battling seasonal affective disorder. As in “I’m so f****ing busy/stressed out I never even realized baseball stopped.” Plus, you’re doing something other people think is awesome, even though you know there are no jobs out there for law school graduates these days.

F***ing s***, I should have gone to med school.

7. Get a Sun Lamp

This is just what my therapist tells me. I can’t really afford one though—anyone know if this works?

Do you have a solution for SAD? Leave a comment!