Thursday, August 25, 2011

TOOT TOOT! Twins Train of SUCK Coming Through!

The Minnesota Twins sucking it up against the Baltimore Orioles on Wednesday night.

So far in the month of August, the Twins have won 5 games and lost 17. They were just swept by the Baltimore Orioles—the team with the worst record in the league—at Target Field. The Twins scored all of 4 runs during the series. And yes, it was a four-game series—the first four-game series the Orioles have swept in Minnesota. Ever.

What has been the cause of the Twins suckitude? The following table may offer some insight:

Minnesota Twins Team Statistics August 1st, 2011-August 25th, 2011
Statistic Twins Performance Rank Among MLB’s 30 Teams
AVG .233 27th
OBP .287 30th
SLG .357 29th
OPS .643 29th
ERA 5.22 28th
ER 112 3rd (more like 27th)
WHIP 1.58 30th
SO 1.15 30th

So basically, every facet of the Twins is sucking harder than a Dyson no-loss-of-suction vacuum cleaner.

Please, Indians, for the love of God, take Jim Thome away from this giant ball of suck.

Saturday, August 6, 2011


If you aren’t living under a rock, you heard that yesterday was bobblehead day at Target Field. And you know that it wasn’t just any ol’ bobblehead day—it was the EPIC 1991 World Series Game 2 Hrbek-Gant Bobblehead Day everyone and their dog has been waiting for since Hrbek lifted Gant off first base in game 2 of the 1991 World Series (or held the tag on Gant while he fell off base. Whatever.)

I’ve done the bobblehead day thing many times, but holy cow were people crazy for Hrbek-Gant dolls. By the time I arrived at Target Field around 3:30pm, there were already lines circling around the stadium. It was the most people I’ve ever seen already there waiting that early on bobblehead day.

Bobble Bobble

Faced with the already long lines, Mom and I decided to diversify to maximize our chances of receiving at least one bobblehead. Mom got in line at Gate 14, while I walked around to check out the lines on the other side of the stadium at Gate 6 and Gate 3. What I found was amazing: the lines actually ran into each other, so there was basically one long line with a middle point where people were suddenly facing the other direction. People were confused and the line at Gate 6 wasn’t actually that long, so I got in line.

And we waited. And waited.

There is a special moment on every bobblehead day. It’s the moment when—after all the waiting and waiting—the line suddenly starts to move. The ticket scanners start to bing. And you move closer and closer to the gate, where you see that—YES! There are still boxes of bobbleheads left I’mtotallygoingtogetoneSUCCESS!!!

But not everyone gets to experience this moment. Alas, there are the poor souls who showed up at 4:00 pm, or weren’t smart enough to know the lines at Gate 34 and 29 are way longer than the lines at Gates 6, 3, and 14. They get to the front of the line only to have their tickets scanned and realize they just came to the game hours early for no reason.

I met one of these women coming in Gate 14 just as the last bobbleheads had been given out. “There was a family of five in front of me and EACH ONE got a bobblehead,” she lamented. Unfortunately, that’s kind of the way it works, but I tried to put on my sympathetic-stranger face as I clutched my own Hrbek-Gant bobblehead. I’m not sure if she thought I’d take pity and give her my bobblehead, because she could have had mine if she preyed it from MY COLD DEAD HANDS.

After locating my Mom, who was also victorious, we went to the Metropolitan Club to celebrate our obtainment of the Hrbek-Gant Bobblehead Dolls with some libations. All of the tables and chairs were already taken so we had to sit on the floor and play with our dolls.

Two hours later there was a baseball game, and it sucked. The Twins lost to the White Sox 5-3.

The end.


Twitter friend and fellow blogger Betsy—who apparently almost had her bobblehead snatched at Hubert's after the game—tweeted a picture of one lucky Twins fan who got a GANT-GANT bobblehead doll. Woah.