Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Twins are Blowing $4-6 M on Target Field ‘Upgrades’!

Most rabid Twins fans are already aware of the team’s payroll issues for 2011. With everyone (except Punto :( ) getting a big old raise, money is tight. However, money is apparently not tight enough to stop the Twins from blowing $4-6 million on “needed” improvements to Target Field. WTF!?

The “improvements” include:

- A second electronic scoreboard being added above the bleachers in right field, so all those fans in left field who weren’t paying attention can now see replays.

- A 100-foot-tall LED-illuminated tower that architect Tom Oslund apparently believes will “create a terminus at the end of Target Plaza that would draw people further into the space and have the ability to be a landmark on the cityscape of Minneapolis.” (Stop—I already looked up the definition of “Terminus.” It’s a Latin word meaning “boundary stone” used by annoying people.)

- Even more Kramarczuks stands, to appease all those fans who boycott Schwigerts hot dogs due to them crushing their life long dreams of being in the Hormel Row of Fame (i.e. myself).

- Addressing customer service issues, which I hope includes firing that Game Day guy who is mean to my Mom (seriously, how are you about to yell at a sweet lady who put her drink down on your counter for just one second so she could get out her money to pay you?)

- More heaters for the outfield seats, because the Twins management has no faith and fails to believe that God (a.k.a. global warming) will no longer make Minnesota excessively cold now that the Twins play outside. (Seriously—I walked to the store today, November 11, in my Spam flip flops.)

- Providing fans with free wireless internet, so that they can sue you when you ‘disseminate’ descriptions and pictures of the game via Facebook without prior written consent of the Minnesota Twins.

- Fixing this HUGE eyesore below the Metropolitan Club by covering it up with more limestone:


- Another creepy bronze statue of a player, to add to the current creepy statues of MLB Hall of Famers Harmon Killebrew, Rod Carew, and Kirby Puckett. (Coughnexthalloffamerbertblylevencough).

Yeah, okay. If the Twins are just going to get swept again in the playoffs, we might as well do it in style. In all seriousness though, these sound like good changes—except the LED tower. I mean, weren’t the Twins just complaining about how the minimalist advertisement put up on the neighboring Target Center tarnished the view? Now they want to add a huge, phallic, light-up tower?

In other news—how about that Joe Mauer? Another Golden Glove and Silver Slugger award.

Thinking about it--that LED tower will scare off Kirby the Kestrel! Boo...


  1. I wasn't sure how serious you were being until the very end.

    I feel like I'm the only person that likes the Twins Tower. I think it looks really cool in the pictures the Twins released, and for all those people that complain that it will only be used for advertising... ballparks are already packed with advertising. I worked at Target Field for the whole summer and the ads didn't bother me that much (of course, I also used them quite often when giving directions to fans).

  2. Our beloved ballclub has never spent a dime at Target Field that didn't yield them back Twenty Bucks. - twinsfansam

  3. Most of this is pretty fictitious. Target Field is already a great place, and I would expect them to make changes after the first year.

    I dunno about the tower. Perhaps it will turn out well. It's hard to say.